God didn't give me a sexual orientation, and here is why.
Towards the end of 2018, I was battling hard with my sexuality, so hard to the point that I gave up.
At a young age, I knew that I was attracted to the same sex. So, as I got older and into middle school I tried to internally identify as a lesbian. But it didn’t sit right because I was still very much attracted to the opposite sex. But outwardly, I would tell everyone or have them think I was straight. I didn’t want anyone to know the confusion and the shame I was dealing with internally, especially in the type of environment I grew up in. When I got into high school, I was trying to force myself to be straight, inwardly and outwardly. I stayed that way until college. While I was in college, I started to battle with my sexuality again and tried to identify as bisexual internally. But I didn’t feel comfortable with that either because this was when I spiritually began to get closer to God. And the God that I served only accepted heterosexuality.
2013 was the year that I gave my life to the Lord. And I was determined that I was not going to let something as small as my sexuality hinder my relationship with God. So, if God made me a heterosexual that’s what I was going to be, everything else was just a trick of the devil to ruin my relationship with God. I put my sexuality to the side and began to grow and fall in Love with the One who was already deeply in Love with me. It was not easy, not at all. But for Him, every confusing, painful, shameful, and grieving thought and feeling was worth it. I would do anything just to keep Him close to me. God is first in my life, even before me.
But in 2018, something shook my spirit and caused me to again acknowledge my sexuality. And so, towards the end of 2018 I fought with myself and God. I tried identifying as a lesbian, but it didn’t work. I tried identifying as a bisexual, but it didn’t work. I tried to be happy with being a heterosexual, inwardly and outwardly, but it didn’t work. At this point, I just wanted something that I could identify as internally to stop my heartache. When I was doing research one day on sexuality, I came across a term I thought was perfect for me. It was Heteroromantic Bisexual. It’s when a person only dates the opposite sex, but is also attracted to the opposite and same sex. I finally felt at peace internally with this identity. And I had made up in my mind if anyone asked, I would tell them I am Heteroromantic Bisexual.
I was at peace with my sexuality finally! I was happy. I was still doing as God likes and would only date the opposite sex. I acknowledged my same sex attraction but knew I would never act on it because to do so would be a sin. I was in peaceful bliss with my sexuality for one whole week. And then boom, my spirit no longer felt comfortable with that identity anymore. At this point I was beyond frustrated, annoyed, and depressed. I turned to God and said, “forget it! Whoever You tell me to Love, that’s who I’m gonna Love!”. Seconds after I said that I felt my spirit let out a sigh of relief, and I remember hearing something say, “finally”. I couldn’t tell if it was Him or me that said “finally”, but strangely it felt as if it was both of us simultaneously.
From that point on, inwardly I was at peace. Outwardly, I still spoke as though I was only limited to the opposite sex. But inwardly I was open and free, telling myself if God wants me with someone of the opposite sex, He will lead me to him. Because of what I was taught I just knew God wouldn't lead me to Love someone of my own sex. You see, my heart was free and open to Love, but my mind was not. My mind relied on the years of teaching that Homosexuality is a sin and deeply hated by God.
In 2019 in the month of March, God knitted my soul to the one that I had been spiritually looking for all my life. From a young age, I always felt like something was missing from my soul. And every so often I would get a hint of what it was. God would tell me this other soul that I Love deeply is a girl, and she is going to be my close best friend and that she's my age. I went through life looking for her only to be led to her by God. And when my spirit laid eyes on her (which was my second time meeting her), it was pure Love. It was like nothing I had ever felt before in my life. It was as if I knew her, as if she had missed out on my whole life. And from that moment on I was unknowingly falling in love with her. Her soul was and is like a magnet to me. I was and am attracted by her very being. Her soul captivates me.
Even though my heart was falling in Love with a woman, my mind was still on a husband for physical intimacy (which is not a good reason to want a husband. Marriage is about True Love not sex). It wasn’t until August of 2019 that God isolated me and began to teach me His Word about Love, Friendship, Marriage, and Sex. He taught my mind what my heart already knew, Love has no law. Teaching me that Homosexuality is not a sin.
God didn’t give me a sexual orientation. I tried to identify as a Lesbian, Heterosexual, Bisexual, and Heteroromantic Bisexual. But that section of my heart didn’t feel free until I gave it all to Him. What God told me to do and what God made me to do is Love.
My full identity is found in Love!
I am taking a short break and will be back in February. Thank you and love you all!